Love and Happiness

My boss randomly asked me one day:

"If you could go back to any of your relationships and change something, which one would you go back to?"

I know I am prone to sentimentality, but more often than not, I don't enjoy rifling through the ex files for very long, so my initial thought was to say "I wouldn't go back, and I wouldn't change anything."

"What if you had to pick one." she asked again.

I didn't really have to think about it for that long. It would have to be the last one, no doubt. I would go back to the time I was moving away, and I would NOT have done long distance.

I'm not saying long distance relationships don't work, because many have, but I also believe they come with expiration dates. Knowing that there is an end goal to all the long distance madness makes you feel like it is all worth it. It's hard! Your clocks are on different times, you are consistently sleep deprived, you end up rushing home from dinners or parties because the other will be online-even your fights are scheduled.

It's just, from the beginning it was glaringly obvious that unless we were drunk, we really had nothing in common. We were attracted to each other, sure, and the opposite personalities certainly created this "Wow, that's what I need in my life" feeling. But the differences didn't end with just liking different music or having different hobbies, it extended to values and goals in life-but of course, that didn't come until later on, when we were so set on making it work that it ceased to matter anymore.

I loved him, he loved me and we had our laughs and good times, but deep down, I think we were both miserable. We spent more time trying to make it work then actually enjoying each others company and building the relationship. I really felt like although he loved me, he didn't really like me, and what I was about. If he did, I don't think he'd be mad at me almost daily, or try to change everything about my personality.

I think if we had just let each other go, and just said "See ya when I see you", we would have saved each other a lot of heartache, headaches and tears. I don't think either of us was ever completely 100% sold on the idea that each other was the one we'd spend the rest of our lives with. If it ever entered our heads it was more because "Oh, we've been together for so long", or "But we've been through so much together." but there was never that gut feeling of "Damn, this just might be it."

At the end of the day though, there are reasons why we go through things, and I was told once that "any decision you make at any given time is the right one for you at that time." That's the direction your life is meant to go, and sometimes something so painful actually holds the key to something beautiful. I can analyze my past to death, but at the end of the day I have no regrets. Maybe I'm not ready to learn or understand some things. Maybe I'm not meant to.

Will love play with us? It sting like paper cuts
doused in alcohol but if it's real
they ain't no greater rush ---Talib Kweli