Life Lessons: Sometimes crying is the best medicine

I need to cry.

I've had this dull ache in my stomach and heart for awhile and I can't shake it off. I feel like crying my eyes out might be the best solution but for some reason, every time the tears start creeping into my eyes, they refuse to fall and I'm left with the sting that it brings but feel cheated out of the relief a waterfall of tears that usually comes with it.

There was a time in my life when I didn't know how to cry. No matter what happened to me and no matter how bad I felt, it just wouldn't happen. I took a lot of it out on self destructive behaviour. I was in my mid-teens and the easiest solution always seemed to be to do something stupid like binge drink until I didn't have to think anymore, grab a blade or anything with a sharp point and start cutting myself. I did so many things that I hope my daughter never feels like she has to do to process things going on in her life, and definitely many things I now understand are extremely worrisome to a parent.

I went to therapy for a good two years of my teen life. I was depressed, they said and didn't know where to place my anger, sadness and confusion. Crying for me, at the time, was a sign of weakness, and in my already vulnerable state, the last thing I wanted was to feel completely out of control. It was the one thing in my life that I could control- the I don't give a shit about my life attitude that was just easier than dealing with what was going on.

I had no trust whatsoever in anybody, not my parents, not my friends, especially not my teachers and peers at school. Years after this whole experience, I found a notebook where I used to write and my parents would have completely panicked if they saw everything I wrote in there. I spent countless hours writing poetry about wanting to die and the general detachment I read on those pages really made me wonder how I made it through. Those were definitely tough times.

The thing I learned in therapy is that anger is preferable to depression. Anger is an outward expression of emotion. Usually, when you are angry, you blow of steam, you let it out no matter how crazy you get. Depression is anger turned inward. So all your rage is directed at yourself. You swallow it and it eats you up inside. Most of the time, you don't realize this. I only did in retrospect.

Being happy is something I had to learn, and something I am still constantly learning. I know that my cutting has been replaced by my persistent need to get tattoos and drinking is still a go-to for me when I'm feeling like absolute shit. I know that I have learned not to lash out on other people when I feel bad, but sometimes it's still difficult not to constantly blame myself for things. I was told back then that the reason physical pain is easier to digest is because you can actually understand why it hurts. Emotional pain, not so much. You think you are stupid to be hurt over something, you're embarrassed and feel like a fool, you did something you aren't proud of...whatever it is, emotional pain is so vague and well, invisible. It so massive that a lot of the time, you don't know what to do with it. Replacing it with something physical helps it makes sense. I'm not saying this is right, I'm just saying this is what happens for some people.

I eventually learned how to cry. One day, it just happened and I must have bawled for hours. After that, EVERYTHING made me cry, even stupid commercials on television. It felt like all the tears that wouldn't come out for years eventually had to, and did.

So I'm wondering why I'm back here. I want to cry. Sometimes it's the best medicine.