I'm really tired of my thoughts already. So tired that I've decided to just throw everything to the wind and go with it, even if inside I'm not completely myself yet. It's just so exhausting to over-analyze everything- a personality trait I've long had and has been the cause of stress for most of my life. So even if I still feel crazy emo inside, I think it's best to just focus on things that make me happy, even if it's the small, silly things.
Last night, my good friend Danielle came over to bake a rainbow cake. Yep, that was the only thing on the agenda aside from a few cocktails but by the end of the night, we had over 30 photos acting like kids on photo booth, wearing wigs and using the funny effects. Silly as it sounds, it's those little things that actually make me feel better. I didn't sleep until 3 am because I had too much sugar too late in the day but that didn't matter. I laughed for almost 6 hours straight and as able to forget, at least for a few moments that there are things bothering me in my life right now.
I think I'm around that point where you decide to stop being such a pussy about getting up and moving forward and you just kind of have to man up and want to feel alive again. The worst thing for me would be to stay stuck in a dark place until I don't even remember what light looks like anymore. I'm clearly not very good with transitions, but I know that life can't be awesome without CHANGE, and more often than not, change is hard, but that gives me no excuse not to go through it. While you are in the middle of major life changes or at a crossroads in your life, it's so hard to see the lessons or believe that there are blessings involved in any of it. How could there be- you are miserable, the world sucks and nothing seems to be going right. But looking back, I'm always thankful for times I feel like this, but I'll only feel the gratitude, as usual, in retrospect.
I was told a few days ago that times like these and being in limbo can sometimes be a good thing, only because you are actually standing still long enough to see the bigger picture and to allow yourself to make the right decisions. I'm in no rush for answers. I know from experience that they come when you least expect them to, sometimes long after you've stopped asking the questions. At the same time though, you have to let these answers marinate and get through to you eventually, and if you don't get up and live your life, you'll never get them at all. Most importantly, remember that everyday is a new chance to get things right.
Whenever I'm feeling lost or exhausted, I always go back to this:
The Warrior's Reminder
I am awake
My mind is free
I am Creative
I love myself
My will power is strong
I am Brave
I practice patience
I dont judge folks
I give not to receive
I dont expect
I accept
I listen more than I talk
I know I'll change
I know you'll change
I'll hold on one more day
I start over when necessary
I create my own situations
I am cosmic
I dont have the answers
I desire to learn
I am the plan
I am strong
I am weak
I want to grow
I know I will
I take on responsibility
I hide myself from no one
Im on my path
Warriors walk alone
I wont let my focus change
Taking out the demons in my range...
-Erykah Badu
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