I really try to be understanding towards loved ones because I myself know how hard it is to just be alive sometimes or to remember to breathe (sounds dramatic but we all go through it) The only way you will never feel this is if you just fly through life without stopping to process anything. Any normal person goes through their ups and downs, so I really try my best to allow people to just be, even if they are acting in ways that annoy me, make me worry, or start diverting all their issues towards me, I know it's because they are going through a tough time, and half the time they don't mean it, and the other half, they don't even realize that they are being crazy ass sons of biatches, so, yes, I get annoyed, but I am quick to let it go. Apologize, and it's done.
There are certain situations though, when forgiveness is much harder for me to muster out of my system. To be more specific, when I feel like someone purposely tried to hurt me, or was very reckless with my emotions, or when I feel like there is complete disregard for my feelings. THAT is when I feel attacked. THAT is when it becomes personal, and once it is personal, forgiveness takes a helluva lot longer for me to be able to sincerely give.
In order to fully forgive, I need to fully allow myself to be angry, to feel everything with every inch of my being, otherwise, I just try to get past something without ever really processing it or accepting that I was hurt. Later on, this will bite me in the ass when years later, I realize I'm not over it. It may take me some time, with a lot of over-analyzing and spurts of crazy behavior, but I do get there eventually, and when I do, I wouldn't say I'm brand new, I'd say I am even better than new, because I can look at my scars and be at peace with them. In fact, I can look at my scars and LOVE them, because they remind me of how strong I can be and far I have come.
Forgiveness. Everyone has something they need forgiveness from. Everyone has something they need to forgive. It's a lovely, noble thought to forgive someone who hurt you immediately, but in reality, it's much more complicated than that. The emotional tug-of-war between wanting to forgive someone and remembering what they did to you can be extremely stressful and will mess with your head. The "I'm ok-oops wait, no I'm not" duel can be taxing, and confusing to all involved. For things that are deep rooted, it may even take years and not realizing you haven't fully forgiven until one day, you realize you just need to let it go already. The one person you must always forgive is yourself, because without self-forgiveness, for past actions, and yes, even for allowing yourself to be "oppressed" by someone else, you'll stay stuck in a place that no longer exists. You may not even remember exactly what happened anymore or how you felt at the time, save for the dull ache you might still get from time to time.
I've said time and time again that I refuse to live with hate in my heart. I'd rather die then live a life filled with anger, resentment and regret.
So to all those that have forgiven me, thank you. I am extremely grateful and humbled that you were able to see beyond my mistakes and realize it was never my intention to hurt you.
To those I need to forgive, I'll get there. This I promise. I don't hate you. I am disappointed, yes. Hurt, yes. Confused, yes. Give me time, but eventually, you will find me offering my hand to help you up when you least expect it.
Nobody says you have to forgive anyone for any reason, but you just do it anyway, because it might just spell the difference between an ok life and a great one, filled with love and free of hang ups. I'd still like to believe everyone is innately good, but even good people fuck up once in awhile, and since people have allowed me to mess up at their expense and helped pick me up after, I guess I only owe it to them to also do the same for those who have done that to me.
Forgiveness. What a tricky bastard you are. But once I get you right, I know I won't know how I could have lived without you.
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