So, it's only apt that I reflect on discipline today, or rather, the lack thereof in my life.
Once upon a time, I had it. I was a well-oiled machine that focused on the task at hand and could not be distracted from it. Such is the life of an athlete, and that I was for almost half my life. When I quit gymnastics, so did I quit everything else that came along with it- healthy living, exercise, discipline, pushing myself harder and harder. No, after I walked away, I finally felt this freedom to do whatever I wanted to do, which is exactly what I did.
I started smoking in secret with my best friend, drinking, and eating junk food, which was strictly not allowed in my diet as a gymnast. I would stay up late, stay in bed until noon and basically do everything I was not allowed to do my whole life. And why not? I had no one to answer to, did not need to worry about perfecting a skill on the balance beam and didn't need the stamina or energy to do 1000 sit ups anymore. Fuck everything, right?
Well, for the rest of my life thereafter, I have done anything and everything I wanted. For me, as long as I wasn't hurting anyone else, then why the hell not. The problem is that now I have no sense of discipline whatsoever. I'll work out for 3 months straight then stop one day and just never go back for whatever reason. I loved my old magazine job because of the organized chaos in provided. Editorial jobs don't require you to sit down all day at a desk. I would be at a shoot in the morning, an event at lunch, at the office in the afternoon, then at another event at night. I liked that there seemed to be no set schedule and I was free to actually move things around to suit my life. For this same reason, I hated the first 9-5 desk job I ever had when I quit the publishing industry. I didn't hate the job per se, I hated sitting there all day everyday on the same chair, looking at the same people.
I look at people like my boyfriend, whose discipline is unwavering when he sets his mind on achieving something, while I get sidetracked by anything and everything under the sun. It's hard for me to stick to anything because of my constant boredom attacks and unexpected distractions that come my way. I am also a chronic over-analyzer, so I'm always questioning and second guessing every damn decision I make.
So... I decided this year, I really need to start being more disciplined with at least ONE aspect of my life, to hopefully start a domino effect. I've chosen my health, mostly because at the end of the day, my body is one thing I literally only have one of, and once I mess it up hard will be close to impossible to bring back. So while I am not at the point of no return yet, I decided that discipline when it comes to health would be a good place to start.
My groceries this month are ridiculously uncharacteristic of me. Not a single bag of chips and my veggie drawer is filled to the brim. I learned about new types of fish this month and I have been trying (and mostly succeeding) to only eat 1200 calories per day since January 1. Today I start yoga again, which I love, and also putting in my gym time (which I don't love so much) I set specific goals and a timeline so if anything...I need to fuckin' do this if only for pride alone. LOL.
|This was me in 2009. 112 lbs and lean as a mofo. Right now: 10 lbs to go.|
Here's to everyone's health this year. Now, to remove my craving for alcohol.....