Looking back also helps me remember that everything changes, even the things you think never will. The good stuff sometimes falls apart, and sometimes you wake up and realize the bad, well, isn't so bad anymore. This year has been tough, yes, but looking back at 2009 for instance, my world was totally and completely awesome and perfect. I felt good about everything, hopeful, in-love with life and looking forward to everything it had prepared for me. In 2011, a lot of things changed and there lay the start of a decline I was not ready for. 2012 was just a crazy ride of ups and downs. In 2012, I fell in-love again. In the same year, I also hated everything. I traveled so much this year, but I also felt trapped at the same time. I feel things getting better and I am able to look directly into the sun again and realize that I won't always see what will come my way, but it's better to just welcome it rather than fear it all the time.
I have a good feeling about 2013. I don't mean I think it will be easy, but I think I'm better prepared, or rather, I have been kicked in the ass and now I know when to fight and when to keep my defenses up. I know what to compromise and what never to. I neglected myself a lot in the past year or so, although that seems hard to believe considering I have this very self-indulgent blog I post in regularly. This only started a few months ago though, but before that, I was always thinking of what others wanted, what would help them, what I could do for them. There is nothing wrong with that but it could go haywire when you do that so much, you start forgetting about yourself. There is nothing wrong or selfish about wanting to put yourself first sometimes, and it could spell the difference between your personal happiness and stress.
In 2013 I've decided to:
- Take care of my health more. - I know I'm not fat, but I'm about that age where I need to start watching what I eat, not only for vanity, but because I know my body is changing and is not as resilient as it used to be. Any gained pound will be harder to lose, arteries are not easy to unclog and once my blood sugar goes up to the point of diabetes, well, that's it, no turning back. Also, I have never been one to be a regular exerciser, but I think working out at least an hour a day is probably not only beneficial, but essential to life. I cut down on drinking a lot in the past month and will continue to do so. Now, to start eating healthier on a more regular basis....
- Listen to myself- Sometimes I find it hard to do because I have responsibilities and other people to take care of. In the past few years, I've made decisions based on friends, partner, daughter etc, and I think it's time I start hearing what I want again and decide my fate through that.
- Travel.- As if I haven't been doing this a lot already but at this point, I already know this will be a lifelong romance I have with airports, airline food and the excitement of stepping into a new city for the first time. In my early 20's, pre-Ananda, my dream was to live like a gypsy for 10 years and just go where the wind brought me. I guess that dream never died or completely went away. If anyone asked me to take two years off to travel the world and write about it, I would go in a heartbeat. I have a long Europe trip to look forward to in 2013, and hopefully a lot more other passport stamps and layovers too :)
- Think Positive- I have been totally negative and sarcastic and cynical the past few months and that needs to change. I know myself well enough to accept that sarcasm will never completely go away but I hate not being able to see the good in anything just because I am personally going through a rough patch. Life will get better, and then it will get worse, then better again. That's just the way it is. I shouldn't let my world view fluctuate to extremes because of it.
- Make decisions- I recently read Brida by Paulo Coelho again and one line that struck me was :
“She wasn’t afraid of difficulties; what frightened her was being forced to choose one particular path.
Choosing a path meant having to miss out on others. She had a whole life to live and she was always thinking that, in future, she might regret the choices she made now.
‘I’m afraid of committing myself,’ she thought to herself. She wanted to follow all possible paths and so ended up following none."--- This is totally me and my analysis paralysis, and something I really need to change about myself. Sometimes I just need to be ruthless and decide, and then stop looking back to re-think my decisions. Yes, choosing something might mean you will miss out on something else BUT not deciding makes you miss out on EVERYTHING.
I was never one to make big declarations of new year's resolutions that I wasn't sure I could actually do, but I think these four things are what I want to focus on most in 2013. For some reason, I know the entire universe will conspire to help me out, because these are things I really want. Trust. Something I'm beginning to learn as well.