Whenever I feel this big wave of emotional turmoil in my life, it always seems to come out of nowhere, but after the dust settles, I realize that it actually took awhile to build up before it seemed to just crash down on me. In retrospect, I notice that I usually become more reckless in my actions and somewhat self-destructive. I find myself wanting to not just drink, but to get drunk almost every day, ignore responsibilities and make impulsive life decisions. Thankfully, it somewhat is settling down as I get older, and I no longer completely shut down from everything I need to do and everyone in my life when this happens. Whenever I feel this happening, I know that it's a sign that the tides are again changing. My life is again changing. I am changing.
I feel like every so often it just becomes "your time" - your time to be sad, to be angry, to be happy, to be successful, to be down and out, to cry, to laugh... whatever. You can work your gosh darn hardest to make sure everything happens the way you plan it in your head but the truth of the matter is, it won't, at least not 100% of the time. I feel like the universe gives you these lessons according to necessity. "Too put together for too long? Let's shake it up a little" it seems to say, or on the flipside, when you're feeling hopeless and helpless, life suddenly seems to throw you a bone.
These are moments when we are like snakes shedding skin, when our old skin no longer fits, we need to get rid of it, lest we look and feel ridiculous in clothes that are way to tight. It's in our human nature to expand, to grow, and when we don't, we are unhappy. Refusal to let any change happen is the same as bringing living to a halt and merely just existing.
When the tides change, it's not always easy. In history, there have been wars to prove this, dictatorships, genocide. These things, no matter how bad are part of history and part of the process of change on a larger scale. On a more personal level, we go through break ups, deaths, suffering and pain, but on the upside, these usually bring out better things like growth, self-actualization, forgiveness and gratitude. Sometimes we are so afraid for change to come because we know the adjustment that comes with it. Sometimes it's because we don't want to let go of something we believe can't be replaced by anything else. Sometimes, it's because we are creatures of habit. Sometimes, we're just stubborn sons of biatches.
So when you feel that wave coming, just sit tight and grab on to something stable. There is no escaping it so you might as well ride it with as much strength as you possibly can, with as much sense of humor as you can muster. At the end of the day, it's always a great feeling to realize it's over and you survived. And you will. You always will.