Life Lessons: In-Between

I watched this movie called "Take this Waltz" the other day and Margot, the character played by Michelle Williams, said early in the movie that she "hates being in-between things"

That definitely made me sit up and listen.

Being in-between things is probably my biggest nemesis when it comes to living the life of a normal person. Most people can skip through anything life throws at them- all the curve balls, crap and buckets of ice cold water, and well, I'm ok with all of that too. What I can't take are those moments when there seems to be static in the soundtrack of your existence, a.k.a. the lulls or the "in-betweens"

Ever since I was a kid, I couldn't keep still. I was so hyperactive and looking for something new to do all the time my parents had to enroll me in Gymnastics so I could expend all that excess energy without hurting myself. They would find me tumbling all over the house and yard, climbing trees or even up on the roof. I don't think I ever took naps when I was a child... there was just so much to do!

This feeling of restlessness has not left me since. Every time I try to relax or sleep in or zone out...I just can't. One of my best friends, Gina, used to get on my case when we'd go on holiday together, because even while on break, my mind wouldn't stop racing and I couldn't just spend whole afternoons staring at the sea and not thinking about everything else going on in my life. I always felt like, well, if I'm nto doing SOMETHING, ANYTHING, then what's the point of life. Ok, that's pretty dramatic but you know what I mean.

Also, in the movie, Margot's sister in-law, played by Sarah Silverman tells her in the end, 'Life has a gap in it. It just does. You don't go trying to fill it like a lunatic."

And a lunatic is what I do feel like at times. I'm not much of the "stop and smell the roses" type of person. On the contrary, I seem to speed through life with wild abandon so much that sometimes I don't even realize that I'm in a tailspin until I'm totally depressed and not understanding why. I am totally the poster child for how yoga can help you find your center, and in a way, it has helped me calm down a lot and listen to my own thoughts without being over-analytical or obsessive about it. Sometimes steady breathing is all I really need, I suppose.

My other best friend Sarah told me that my refusal to grow up is what makes me like this, because I am going against the natural progression of life for fear of living a totally unexciting "adult" life. I don't think I equate non-excitement to being an adult so much as being so comfortable with those in-betweens that they become my permanent state and I lose all lust for life. Growing old, not growing up is possibly my biggest fear. I don't want to be unexcited, jaded, lose my sense of wonder about the world. It's the kid in me that keeps me going and loving and living...but it is also that kid that keeps me running. Surely there is a way to merge both sides of me without completely losing the other, and that's exactly what I'm trying to do now- find the balance that I need to be able to remain a kid but never grow old, and yes, maybe even stop and smell the roses too. I do love me some flowers :)

I sometimes wonder when we'll ever find ourselves, then I realize we probably never will. With the natural course of life and its never ending changes, I always remind myself that by the time I catch what I was trying to chase, I might be looking in a completely different direction already. The only thing we can do is enjoy those glimpses we get of who we are at that exact moment, because before you know it, that person will be gone and you'll have a new one to get to know and love again.

Staring outside my hotel's window at Taal Lake, in my wife beater and sweats and barefaced,  I'm thinking... the in betweens, that's when life really happens right? Doing the mundane, everyday things you don't take pictures of to put on facebook, or when you are doing something not exciting enough to report on twitter. Maybe life can't be high-speed exciting all the time, but the little "kid" things I do like dance in my underwear with a glass of wine while making dinner, or taking a hundred silly photo booth pictures with my friends keeps the child in me very happy, and the adult in me more willing to be one.

It's a constant struggle, but I'll get there.