It's been over a decade since you passed away and so much has happened since then, all of which, when I was younger, I imagined you to be part of.
You know I'm a writer now. That's what I do for work, and also to keep myself sane. You died a few months before I got my first job at a magazine. I was a Beauty Editor, and I can safely say that all credit for my obsession with beauty products goes to you. I remember watching you put your make-up on so carefully and do your hair, just to go grocery shopping two blocks away. Guess what, lola, I do that too! ;p You always told me I had to look my best every time I left the house. I try. I mean, I honestly can't be bothered to dress up like you did, but I at least do my face. Oh by the way, I don't wear jeans either. You'll be happy to know I prefer skirts and dresses, although I don't know what you'd say about my preferred length. I took some of your accessories when you passed away, and I still wear them to this day :)
More importantly, three years after you left us, I had a daughter- but I'm sure you guys had met somewhere in the universe before she came into our lives. Heck, why do I even get the feeling you made sure she found her way to me? I named her after you Lola, her name is Ananda and her second name is Aleisha. She's growing up so fast and she's so pretty. Well, she has your genes so I'm definitely not surprised. You know, there was one night maybe 3 or 4 years ago when I was tucking her in bed and she all of a sudden said "I miss Lola Alice" and she started crying. She was about 4 or 5 years old and I tried to not act surprised at what she said since you had never met, but I think that was the day I realized you probably knew each other already. I gave her a hug and told her I missed you too. I'll never forget that night.
A few days before you died, you told me that my then boyfriend, who I had broken up with was such a nice guy and I should consider getting back with him and getting married. LOLA! I was 22 years old! Sorry to say this, but I never got back with him, although looking back, he really was nice! Unfortunately, I had to go through a bunch of not nice guys after him, but you know what, with each one, I loved with everything I had. I learned that from you too. I saw how unconditional your love was for each and everyone one of us, how you tried to see the good in everyone, even those most of us would write off as trouble. I guess I got that from you also, although I have learned to leave trouble alone when I see it nowadays ;p You'd like the guy I'm with now. He's definitely one of the good ones. Now, please help me stay good too, and more importantly, stay where I am. I'm always running off somewhere and this is a relationship I'd actually like to keep. Hold my hand through this one, please.
Oh, you will be happy to hear that I cook now, and I'm pretty good at it too! If you were still alive, I would no longer be stealing peach walnut pies from your freezer and food from your fridge and pantry. In fact, maybe I'd be coming over with food for you to try instead. You would have had so much fun with me if you could have just been around a few years longer. I first started cooking out of necessity when I moved out a year after you died, but by the time we moved to Sydney, I became more passionate about putting flavors together and really spending time in the kitchen.
Oh my God, Lola (I mean gosh- you would be getting mad at me now for using the Lord's name in vain, sorry) the day to day is a lot easier than when you first left, and there are days I don't even think about you (that sounds bad but you know what I mean) I used to dream about you a lot, now I can't even remember when the last time was. I think of you with a smile on my face, and we all sometimes have discussions about you during Sunday lunch, or even within smaller groups of your large family.
I've written you a letter every year since you passed away, and every year, I still cry when I do so. I don't think you ever really completely get over someone important to you passing away, and although you move forward, there is always a piece of your heart that is permanently stuck in that time.
If you could see me now, Lola. If you could see all of us. I'd like to think you are smiling from heaven right now.
I love you always,
Erica
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| My lolo Roman and lola Alice with all ten of their children |
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| Me at 15 with a portrait of my lola by national artist Vittorio Edades |
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