Life Lessons: Letting Go

Growing up, my dad constantly reminded his children that the most important thing in any situation we find ourselves in is to be present at all times and to be in control. 

Clearly, that is something I have always struggled with. I always felt like I was swinging from one extreme to the other. I was either completely trying to control everything that happend in my life to the point of obsession or completely out of control. It was always hard for me to find some sort of middle ground or balance. In 2008, I got a pair of dice inked on me, and this has since been my reminder that I need to stop trying to control everything. Once you roll the dice, they will fall where they are meant to, and you deal with it from there. 

See, my problem was, and believe me there are still remnants of this unfortunate personality flaw in me to this day, that I always felt like if you did your best and tried your hardest and saw things from all angles  before acting, then you will no doubt get the result you imagined you would have. We all know this isn't true, and yet, for the longest time, I was let down and frustrated every time things did not go my way. It was not brattiness, it was me genuinely believing I could get everything I wanted because I tried my best to attain it. And when, not matter how hard I tried, it still didn't work out, then I would spiral into this "fuck it, I don't care anymore" state of mind that would cause me to make bad decisions and well, fuck everything up.

I did eventually realize that this is no way to live. Eventually. It was never in my personality to just let things be without analyzing, questioning and rearranging things to get a better result. If I felt that a certain decision was the best thing to do, whether for me or a friend, I would push and push and push until I was exhausted. It's really no wonder either why I would let my past relationships drag on to the last possible second when there was nothing left anymore, and by the time we'd break up, I would have exhausted all possibilities to make it work, justified and rationalized everything even if I knew I should just have just let it be already. I couldn't deal with failure. It was possibly the gymnast in me that kept telling me to push it further everytime but it got to the point where I had to make the conscious decision to let go.

Letting Go. Humility. Acceptance that it's not always going to go the way you want, no matter how sincerely you wish for it and how hard you try. Life lessons that are not only important but essential to your sanity and growth. What I finally accepted is that I can only control my actions, but after I put myself out there, I can't control how everyone else is going to react or feel. Furthermore, I needed to stop trying to be perfect and being afraid of failing. Everyone is going to fuck up at some point, and I think the real lesson we all need to learn is how to get back on your feet gracefully and move forward, armed with your newly acquired lessons. 

When we don't get what we think we want, something equally as great comes along eventually to soften the blow. Once we let go, our priorities shift, our desires change, and even if I have learned to let go (some things are still harder to let go off than others though- won't lie!) I also truly believe that there's someone bigger out there who IS in control and will never let go. I just need to constantly remind myself to get over myself from time to time, so life can take over and do its thing.