I am terrified at the thought of marriage. It make me feel all sorts of crazy thinking of all the legalities and paperwork involved in tying the knot and no amount of dreaming of the perfect dress and which friends to include in the entourage makes me feel any more comfortable with the idea.
I have friends who were dreaming of their weddings since high school, and they seem born to be wives and mothers-home makers and completely satisfied with doing that daily. Until I was in my mid-twenties, marriage never even crossed my mind, even after I had Ananda. There was one guy that changed that, but after it didn't work out and I was back to my coupled but technically single self for years after.
I'm 33 now and any "normal" person would think that I would be scrambling to get hitched and settle down and make another baby and live happily ever after. I guess I'm not normal because the thought forever and ever still makes me want to proceed with caution. Don't get me wrong, I love the man I am with. He is probably the single most awesome person I have ever been with, the one who I would go through all the shit again for, if I knew I would end up with him. He's not perfect, that's for sure, and sometimes I wonder how we're going to do this forever, but that's normal and I understand that. There was a time when I wanted to get married already and I could have done it like, tomorrow, but the more serious our relationship gets, and now living together, it's becoming more real and that mutant woman fear is stronger than ever. God, I sound like a dude right now.
I've asked married friends how they knew they were ready to get married, and a lot of funny but very honest answers came about. One friend said that when she was asked, she wasn't completely revolted by the idea of being with her then boyfriend for the rest of her life so she knew it was right. Someone else said that she could deal with his shit, no matter how it pissed her off sometimes...and so on.
This made me realize that I need to stop waiting for huge signs and fireworks and bells and whistles and huge realizations for me to know. And I sure as hell need to check myself before i wreck myself and this great relationship I'm in. At any other point in my life, this would be the time I would completely panic and run far far away, and comfort myself with the thought that I don't have to stop doing whatever I want, traveling, I don't have to compromise anything about myself and my personality.
Although it's still a struggle sometimes, I need to stop running and just be still. I need to stand still with someone and trust- that things will work out, that things will fall into place, that I will not need a fucking leash or cage to make sure I don't try to run off and never come back.
Commitment is not a feeling. It's something you choose every single day, regardless of the fear you have. It is, of course, helpful to choose someone who, as my friend said, doesn't make you absolutely sick when you think of committing to them. In my case, I'm glad I found someone who can deal with my commitment-phobic shit, who I can openly tell my fears to, who I have basically scared by saying at this point, I run. And guess what, he still wants to be with me.
My recent tattoo, my anatomically correct heart, among other things, is a reminder for me to stay still. Be still, my heart has been given a completely different meaning. And I chose a real heart instead of a cutesy one, because at the end of the day, after all the romance, honeymooning and bullshit, it's what's real that matters. I'm hoping that my heart, and his, can make it through all of it.
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