Anger and sadness can be great companions. They don't judge or expect anything from you and they allow you to wallow in them for as long as you like, but jokes aside, the one thing I can be thankful for when it comes to feeling down and out is knowing and embracing my human-ness. When things are going great, we feel invincible but after awhile, the Universe has other plans for us, especially when we get too comfortable in our lives. It's like we're skipping along our merry way and we get booby trapped at some point, leaving us to either resign to whatever horrible shit is waiting for us, or fight for a way out.
It seems like such a simple explanation but wanting to fight for that way out can be difficult as f*ck. We find all sorts of excuses to stay trapped because it's easier, it doesn't require any strength or courage from us and we can place all the blame elsewhere. We are victims, and you can't get angry at victims right? It's not their fault, someone else put them there. Well yes, to a certain degree, but I also believe there are two kinds of victims, ones who will remain so and blame it on the world, and those who can say "Alright, so the world effed me over, I'm done crying over it, I found new skills and weapons while trapped in here and I've grown armour that is stronger than ever, let's go, let's fight."
When I was younger, I used to think that only in my depression did I feel most alive, but now, it's the battle scars I wear that makes me feel the strength I posses and the realize that life is in those lessons that you learn when you are in your dark place, but it's up to you to be open to learning. Those bouts with doubt, fear and anger can either make you or break you, and it's really your choice which of the two you want from it. I've never become jaded in my life, and I refuse to ever be. Sometimes, the only thing that keeps me going through the tough times is knowing that it's a cycle, and that I will find myself in that place again, but hopefully better equipped. I'm not afraid of adversary, because after going through the up and down cycle over and over, I know that I always defeat it, and each time I do, I become stronger and better than ever. There is no cowardice in my heart. I will fight to the death regardless of how hopeless, scared and small I feel.
Empowerment is not bred in oblivion, not in a drunken stupor of merriment, not when we feel like the world is good to 247. It grows and transforms into something positive in a place of hopelessness, when all you have left is a flashlight with half-drained batteries and 2 sips of water and are expected to find yourself out of a cave in the middle of a place you have never been to before. THAT is the real test of your character. What would YOU do in that situation? You could sit there and wait for someone to save you, or you could find ways to conserve energy while trying to find a way out yourself. There MIGHT not be a way out, you may fail anyway, but you dared to TRY. You had faith that you could do it, and sometimes that is all that matters at the moment.
The past few months has been filled with questions, confusion, anger, depression... but I persevered and continue to do so, because I hear birds chirping again, and if I know life as much as I think I do, then I'll be sitting on top of the world again soon enough.
Ending this wit lyrics from "Searching" by Blackalicious. This has always spoken directly to me.
Searching For everything already there For every thought already known For everything that ever was, is, and will be
Struggling Oh how we struggle And the more we avoid it The greater the struggle becomes Until we realize That struggle is a blessing Progressing Changing Evolving Growing From a seed to a tree From a child to a (wo)man From a (wo)man to a spirit To a god fulfilling his plan Purpose No words can describe the unmeaning No beginning No end Just always now Marvelling at the miracle And all of a sudden It all seemed to make sense somehow Searching For everything already there For every thought already known For everything that ever was, is, and will be