Life Lessons: The struggle is the blessing

Lately, I've been feeling like a heavy weight is slowly being lifted from my shoulders. I no longer wake up feeling heavy, gone are the constant anger and confusion inside me and I am actually quite hopeful about the future.

Anger and sadness can be great companions. They don't judge or expect anything from you and they allow you to wallow in them for as long as you like, but jokes aside, the one thing I can be thankful for when it comes to feeling down and out is knowing and embracing my human-ness. When things are going great, we feel invincible but after awhile,  the Universe has other plans for us, especially when we get too comfortable in our lives. It's like we're skipping along our merry way and we get booby trapped at some point, leaving us to either resign to whatever horrible shit is waiting for us, or fight for a way out.

It seems like such a simple explanation but wanting to fight for that way out can be difficult as f*ck. We find all sorts of excuses to stay trapped because it's easier, it doesn't require any strength or courage from us and we can place all the blame elsewhere. We are victims, and you can't get angry at victims right? It's not their fault, someone else put them there. Well yes, to a certain degree, but I also believe there are two kinds of victims, ones who will remain so and blame it on the world, and those who can say "Alright, so the world effed me over, I'm done crying over it, I found new skills and weapons while trapped in here and I've grown armour that is stronger than ever, let's go, let's fight."

When I was younger, I used to think that only in my depression did I feel most alive, but now, it's the battle scars I wear that makes me feel the strength I posses and the realize that life is in those lessons that you learn when you are in your dark place, but it's up to you to be open to learning. Those bouts with doubt, fear and anger can either make you or break you, and it's really your choice which of the two you want from it. I've never become jaded in my life, and I refuse to ever be. Sometimes, the only thing that keeps me going through the tough times is knowing that it's a cycle, and that I will find myself in that place again, but hopefully better equipped. I'm not afraid of adversary, because after going through the up and down cycle over and over, I know that I always defeat it, and each time I do, I become stronger and better than ever. There is no cowardice in my heart. I will fight to the death regardless of how hopeless, scared and small I feel.

Empowerment is not bred in oblivion, not in a drunken stupor of merriment, not when we feel like the world is good to 247. It grows and transforms into something positive in a place of hopelessness, when all you have left is a flashlight with half-drained batteries and 2 sips of water and are expected to find yourself out of a cave in the middle of a place you have never been to before. THAT is the real test of your character. What would YOU do in that situation? You could sit there and wait for someone to save you, or you could find ways to conserve energy while trying to find a way out yourself. There MIGHT not be a way out, you may fail anyway, but you dared to TRY. You had faith that you could do it, and sometimes that is all that matters at the moment.

The past few months has been filled with questions, confusion, anger, depression... but I persevered and continue to do so, because I hear birds chirping again, and if I know life as much as I think I do, then I'll be sitting on top of the world again soon enough.

Ending this wit lyrics from "Searching" by Blackalicious. This has always spoken directly to me.

Searching
For everything already there
For every thought already known
For everything that ever was, is, and will be

Struggling
Oh how we struggle
And the more we avoid it
The greater the struggle becomes
Until we realize
That struggle is a blessing
Progressing
Changing
Evolving
Growing
From a seed to a tree
From a child to a (wo)man
From a (wo)man to a spirit
To a god fulfilling his plan

Purpose
No words can describe the unmeaning
No beginning
No end
Just always now
Marvelling at the miracle
And all of a sudden
It all seemed to make sense somehow

Searching
For everything already there
For every thought already known
For everything that ever was, is, and will be

Life Lessons: Aware

I learned a new word today: Aware, pronounced ah-Wah-reh, it's of Japanese origin and means

"A word that describes the fleeting moments of fading beauty- the sad bittersweet feeling that something is so good, you don't want it to end."

In Japan, it is usually used to describe the last moments of the cherry blossoms for the season, but haven't we all felt this? Many times over in our short lives, in fact. You know, that feeling of wanting to hold on to something that you feel like you will never feel again, such as moments of clarity, or feeling infinite and invincible. Sometimes, a moment with a friend or lover is so amazing that it literally feels like a single second, so you replay it in your head over and over just to let it linger for a little while longer.

I feel like this a lot when I'm traveling, especially when I go to places I am absolutely in-love with, and it's the last few days before I have to head home. I once cried alone at JFK an hour before getting on the plane to come back to Manila, and after an almost 3 month trip that brought me to so many places from South America to New York. Three months is actually a long time to go on holiday for, but when it was ending, it literally felt like I was only gone for 24 hours and for weeks after I was back, I still felt like I wasn't. Physically, I had to go through the motions of everyday life, but mentally and emotionally, I was up in the clouds, or somewhere in Brooklyn or the Galapagos Islands.

I also feel like this a lot about my daughter. I feel like she's growing up so fast and everything seems to be going in fast forward. I feel like moments are gone before I can even fully immerse myself in them. I think she's 8 and all I have to do is blink and she's 9. I could take a nap and she'll be a teenager. I feel like I am constantly chasing her, because her growth is seemingly going at lightning speed. I never want her to grow up, but I know it is, of course, inevitable. I love watching it happen, but at the same time, I want to close my eyes and deny it all I can.

This also reminded me of a line from one of my favorite poems by Pablo Neruda called Tonight I can write. He says "Love is so short, Forgetting is so long"No matter the amount of time you shared  with someone, if it meant  a lot to you, it will seem like a blip in the length of your lifetime when it ends. Why do you think break ups are so difficult? Memories are kept in a safe, keys thrown away and it takes awhile for you to forget that it's there. One day you will, eventually, but at that exact moment it is ending, you just want to hold on for dear life, especially if you are still in-love with this person. You are thankful for all the experiences and love, but it's bittersweet because it needs to end.

Maybe these moments happen so quickly so when we think about them in retrospect, we will realize the blessings life has bestowed on us, and since cherry blossoms bloom every year, we will know in our heart that it won't be the last. We just need to be patient and wait, because we need to let life take its course and just happen. Maybe everything is just supposed to die a natural death, so that we can progress and find something better suited for us. Maybe we need the lulls and the crap just as much so we recognize awesomeness and beauty when we do encounter it. Maybe we won't even know what to do with these moments if we were given the chance to hold on to them. Maybe if we were, they wouldn't even be special anymore.

If caterpillars didn't die, butterflies could never be born. If we don't let moments go, we will never have space or the peace of mind to experience new ones fully. I guess at the end of the day, I can only be thankful to have had so many, even if a lot of the time, it all feels like a dream now.

                                                                    **AWARE**

Love Letters: Gratitude

Thanksgiving is not a traditional Fiipino tradition, and I don't really celebrate it with turkey and the whole shebang, but it is a good time to reflect and be reminded of all the BLESSINGS we have in life. Regardless of how shitty you feel yours is going, there are ALWAYS things to be grateful for.

So, for today, I have decided to stop my self-indulgent rambling in order to focus on giving thanks. And boy, there are a lot of things my cynical heart has to be thankful for. Here are just a few off the top of my head.

My family- We may not all live in the same continent, but thankfully, technology has found ways for people to connect instantly--> what's app, facebook, twitter, blogs, texts, emails- all these make me feel like my brother and sister are just living in another house but in the same city. My parents are nothing but supportive of anything I ever want to do in life. Even when they don't necessarily agree with me, they have my back and will be there if it ended up being a big mistake. My extended family-uncles, aunts, cousins- we are all close enough to see each other at least once a week. Many of my titos and titas treat Ananda like a daughter, and I really love that nobody in my family (on both sides) is normal. That is a compliment. Of course, I am also thankful for the little family that I have started. Ananda is more and more proving to be the best life teacher I have ever and will ever have. When I walk around our apartment nowadays, I know this is home.

Friends- My friends have always been important to me, but more and more I see just how much I need my chosen few in my life. Aside from unending encouragement and support, these are the people that knock me on the head when I need it most, and then will cry with me when I have a broken heart and diss the guy who had the nerve to break me to pieces, they will drink with me when I think the world sucks, and when I think it's beautiful- at 3 in the afternoon if I insist. They will come over to bake cakes at 10 pm, bring me my favorite pizza from New York with the slices all individually wrapped and frozen, take care of my daughter while I am on vacation, sit through multiple hours of traffic to hold my hand while I get a tattoo, and drive from San Francisco to LA because I asked, just to hang out for 2 days. My friends ARE family. You know who you are. I met you all at different stages of my life, but you are the ones who have kept it real all this time. I love you.

Travel- I always complain that I don't travel enough, but this year alone I went to 5 different countries (with 2 more coming up in the next few weeks before the year ends plus a long Europe trip next year) and I realized that not many people get the opportunity to see the world the way I am being given the chance to. Travel is my vice. I can live without expensive bags and shoes and could care less about shopping sprees while abroad. I travel to travel, to experience unknown things, to escape from my reality even for moment, and to learn. Every time you travel, even just domestic, you are always a different person, with a bagful of new experiences and life lessons in your hands when you return. IIt may seem like I don't do shit because I am always able to fix my schedule and go on these trips, but I really do hustle, it's just that 95% of my work requires me to sit in front of the computer and write, which I can do anywhere in the world.

Writing- I am only recently realizing that not everyone has the ability or confidence to express themselves as freely as I do. I am thankful for all the travel my writing has allowed me to do, but I am most thankful that I am able to say what apparently many people want to but can't or don't know how to. I have gotten emails and tweets from people who read my blog telling me they feel better about themselves because they are, in fact, normal. It makes my heart swell knowing that I can help people simply by doing what I love, and what I was born to do.

Basic needs covered and then some- I often take for granted the great bed I have, the fact that I can pay rent and utilities, being able to put food on the table, owning a car, paying for credit card bills, buying clothes when I feel like it, and so much more. Some people barely scrape together enough to get by on a day to day basis. That fact has not gone unnoticed. I can't afford to spend large amounts on a whim, but I am more than comfortable.

There's so much more but then I'd need the rest of my life to say it all.

Thank You, life! You are amazingly, perfectly imperfect. What a great adventure it's been so far. Here's to many more years of all that and more.

Life Lessons: Forgiveness

I can be very explosive about my opinions and feelings towards things, I can complain about this and that and be exasperated easily about little, everyday annoyances, but when it comes to people that are important to me, it is not very widely known, but I am the most patient person you will ever meet.

I really try to be understanding towards loved ones because I myself know how hard it is to just be alive sometimes or to remember to breathe (sounds dramatic but we all go through it) The only way you will never feel this is if you just fly through life without stopping to process anything. Any normal person goes through their ups and downs, so I really try my best to allow people to just be, even if they are acting in ways that annoy me, make me worry, or start diverting all their issues towards me, I know it's because they are going through a tough time, and half the time they don't mean it, and the other half, they don't even realize that they are being crazy ass sons of biatches, so, yes, I get annoyed, but I am quick to let it go. Apologize, and it's done.

There are certain situations though, when forgiveness is much harder for me to muster out of my system. To be more specific, when I feel like someone purposely tried to hurt me, or was very reckless with my emotions, or when I feel like there is complete disregard for my feelings. THAT is when I feel attacked. THAT is when it becomes personal, and once it is personal, forgiveness takes a helluva lot longer for me to be able to sincerely give.

In order to fully forgive, I need to fully allow myself to be angry, to feel everything with every inch of my being, otherwise, I just try to get past something without ever really processing it or accepting that I was hurt. Later on, this will bite me in the ass when years later, I realize I'm not over it. It may take me some time, with a lot of over-analyzing and spurts of crazy behavior, but I do get there eventually, and when I do, I wouldn't say I'm brand new, I'd say I am even better than new, because I can look at my scars and be at peace with them. In fact, I can look at my scars and LOVE them, because they remind me of how strong I can be and far I have come.

Forgiveness. Everyone has something they need forgiveness from. Everyone has something they need to forgive. It's a lovely, noble thought to forgive someone who hurt you immediately, but in reality, it's much more complicated than that. The emotional tug-of-war between wanting to forgive someone and remembering what they did to you can be extremely stressful and  will mess with your head. The "I'm ok-oops wait, no I'm not" duel can be taxing, and confusing to all involved. For things that are deep rooted, it may even take years and not realizing you haven't fully forgiven until one day, you realize you just need to let it go already. The one person you must always forgive is yourself, because without self-forgiveness, for past actions, and yes, even for allowing yourself to be "oppressed" by someone else, you'll stay stuck in a place that no longer exists. You may not even remember exactly what happened anymore or how you felt at the time, save for the dull ache you might still get from time to time.

I've said time and time again that I refuse to live with hate in my heart. I'd rather die then live a life filled with anger, resentment and regret.

So to all those that have forgiven me, thank you. I am extremely grateful and humbled that you were able to see beyond my mistakes and realize it was never my intention to hurt you.

To those I need to forgive, I'll get there. This I promise. I don't hate you. I am disappointed, yes. Hurt, yes. Confused, yes. Give me time, but eventually, you will find me offering my hand to help you up when you least expect it.

Nobody says you have to forgive anyone for any reason, but you just do it anyway, because it might just spell the difference between an ok life and a great one, filled with love and free of hang ups. I'd still like to believe everyone is innately good, but even good people fuck up once in awhile, and since people have allowed me to mess up at their expense and helped pick me up after, I guess I only owe it to them to also do the same for those who have done that to me.

Forgiveness. What a tricky bastard you are. But once I get you right, I know I won't know how I could have lived without you.

Love Letters: 16

Hi Aycs!

It's me, your super un-cool future self, at least based on your expectations and image of coolness at sixteen years old. I am twice your age and a year old right now and boy, have I been through a lot-YOU will go through a lot. Currently, I'm living in a three bedroom apartment with my boyfriend and my 8 year old daughter (Yes, you will have a daughter. Papa kept telling you to be safe, be careful, and even if you did listen, you weren't careful enough!-Anyway, she is a blessing and you will love her. Don't be scared!) but between then and now, a whole other lifetime took place. I don't even know where to begin.

Right now, your permanent state of mind is "Fuck the World", you feel no affiliation to anyone or anything, except your boyfriend and the few friends that are cool enough to be part of your life (equally troubled, by the looks of it) Interestingly enough, you will never like anything that is too ordinary or normal, so even when you snap out of this horrible way of viewing society, you will always gravitate to  people who, similarly, have the same deep rooted desire to be different and set themselves apart from the rest of the world, but in the future, it's to be unique and find your life purpose, and not just to hate everything, just because.

The way you view the world at this age is also very telling of the kind of guys you are going to be attracted to for the next few years. You don't need to apologize to me, I know where you were at. I just wish I was there for you from 16-26 so I could keep you out of trouble. The battle scars those years left still hurt on occasion, specially with one particular guy, whose own issues ran so deep, it's like he almost didn't have a choice but to dump it on you. He projected all his problems on you and made it seem like you were the crazy one. He treated you like dirt, called you dramatic when you cried and was so ice cold sometimes, you would find yourself apologizing for things that were HIS fault and for speaking your mind. I wish I could have taken your hand and run as far away as possible from there. You will become adamant about saying exactly what you feel after you leave this person, and you won't let anyone stifle you or leave you out to dry, at least not without a lot of noise.

You feel like the "bad" kid in your family right now. You know, the one always getting in trouble and never getting anything right. You play it off like you are some crazy rebel chick, but you are 16, and anyone 10 years older or more will know that all of these little antics you pull are part of a big cry for help. Mom and Papa knew that, so they found you someone you could talk to. Listen, you will think of yourself as this disappointing child way into your older years. I wish I could have told you at some point to stop blaming yourself and get passed the guilt, but it's something I shouldn't impose on you. You're a kid, after all. It's something though, that has never fully gone away, but really should. There are moments I find myself so angry I can't talk properly. Mom and I still don't know how to properly fight to this day. I think that whenever we start arguing, I morph back into YOU, but with the sound mind of a 30 + year old. When Mom starts pushing my buttons though, you, in all your childish glory, will eventually come out. I'm 33 now. I need to let go of you. I need to stop trying to please my parents. I am my own person. If they don't agree with my views, whether on marriage or religion or whatever else, well, tough on them. I can't go back to being you anymore every single time.

Everything you did from where you are at now to ten or so years later have made me come to the conclusion that:

- I can't make decisions. I'm always making the wrong ones.
-I cry too often, too easily. I'm too sensitive and emotional.
-It takes me a long time to let go of things and transitions and changes really take their toll on me.
-I can't commit to anything. It's too scary. Mostly because I'm such a bad judge of character and always end up with the wrong people.

Reading all of these right now, I realize, you know what I WAS a bad judge of character, I WAS indecisive, I WAS afraid to commit to anything, and you know what, there is nothing wrong with crying or being emotional (note: not emo)

But that isn't me anymore. I am not you anymore. I am not even my 20 year old self or my 29 year old self anymore. I CAN make decisions, It just takes me a long time, but once I have made them, I don't look back. I have no regrets. I still do cry often. I AM sensitive and emotional, but what's wrong with that? It's not being dramatic. I feel things- very strongly in fact, whether joy or pain, sadness or excitement. I'm not a stoic, and never will be. I can't hide how I feel, that is something that probably will never go away, but now, I realize that THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH THAT.

It takes me forever to let go...of places, people, experiences, but that's only because there is no such thing as half-assed for me. It's 100% or forget about it, so when things go wrong and people expect you to move on with lightning speed, well, I can't. I give a lot of myself in every relationship, situation, whatever, so it takes awhile to get it all back. I analyze to death, overthink, go back and forth over and over, but once I'm done, I am SO done. No looking back. I need to be kinder to myself. I am not crazy.

Lastly, I CAN commit. I have a million tattoos and a little girl, I don't see how much more committed I can be. This just goes hand in hand with my decision making- I need time. The more I am forced to, the less appealing it is to me.

So, 16. Here's the thing. I still have your smile, that mischievous glint in your eye, your crazy ideas, your taste in music and your presence, but if you survived through your issues, it's about time I get over them too. I haven't changed at all, and yet I've changed so much. Does that even make sense? So, what you say, 16? We're good right?

I never told you this, but I love you. You are awesome. Your life will be a crazy roller coaster ride of emotions, sometimes you'll be cruising, others you will be frantic, but you wouldn't have it any other way.

Chin up, little girl. I gotchu.

then...

...and now

Life Lessons: Emotional Landmines

Emotional Landmine: an explosive device, concealed in the depths of one's consciousness, designed to destroy or disable target (a.k.a YOU) as she goes near anything that is connected in any way to a memory of a time or person. Such devices detonate automatically and without warning. The device may cause damage either by direct blast or by fragments thrown by the blast. (revised and reworded from "landmine" on Wikipedia)

The thing about emotional landmines, much like actual ones, is that we more often than not don't know that they are there. Sometimes, you may see something that triggers these awful feelings in you and you can't understand why, because it's something that you technically got over and moved on from, so why on earth are you crying or angry right now? Why do certain songs affect us? Why are we averse to certain places? Why do certain situations make us feel uneasy? Emotional Landmines. We are filled with them, and sometimes all we need is something tiny to trigger a rush of emotions we didn't think existed anymore.

Does hurt every completely go away? I think it can but it takes a lot of time and effort to process experiences and situations before it does. More often than not, a small part of it manages to superglue itself to some far corner of your heart and decides to come out unexpectedly from time to time. These emotional landmines aren't always on- the- floor- for- days dramatic, sometimes it can be in the form of a stomach flip or a sudden jolt and jelly legs. Sometimes it can be in the form of a reaction to a certain situation that others may see as over-reactive, others it can be feelings of panic. We all have baggage. Every single one of us. Unfortunately. 

For the most part, I think I've been good about letting go of emotional baggage. I talk a lot, I write a lot, and I've always had the most awesome support system- that definitely helps. I usually go through a long period of not knowing what to do with myself, and then, I'm through. Over. Done with it, but admittedly, there are certain things that I don't realize are still lingering in the outskirts of my memory that take me by surprise sometimes. I think many times our panicked rush to move on as quickly as possible makes it hard to completely settle things that we need to in order to completely be free from it. For instance, replacing a loved one with someone else immediately after a break up is unfair to both you and this new person, because aside from your future issues, you will be dumping all your past, unresolved issues on that person. And one day, you may react violently to a certain comment or action, taking your partner by surprise. That's just one example out of many and it doesn't even have to be about romantic relationships all the time. Sometimes it can be about the death of a friend, or a particular jarring experience that you tried to bury but just won't quit. 

Whatever it is we go through in life, I guess we just need to remember that nothing lasts forever, not even the aftermath of painful experiences, but only if you allow yourself time to process and patience to slip and fall once in awhile. Growing, changing, moving forward- all are life-long processes. Each situation you go through is only one leg of the marathon, and if one part cripples you and you don't give it ample time it needs to heal, then the rest of your run will be difficult as well. Be patient, be kind, to yourself and to everyone around you, for everyone is indeed fighting a hard battle, and these scars, we carry with us for life. Now, the question is--> will these scars always be a burden and a reminder of all the shitty things that ever happened to you, or will you wear them like a badge of honor, for being able to go through all that, survive all of it, and still embrace life? 

Emotional Landmines will always be there, but it's really up to you to sink or swim.

Love Letters: Alicia

Dear Lola,

It's been over a decade since you passed away and so much has happened since then, all of which, when I was younger, I imagined you to be part of.

You know I'm a writer now. That's what I do for work, and also to keep myself sane. You died a few months before I got my first job at a magazine. I was a Beauty Editor, and I can safely say that all credit for my obsession with beauty products goes to you. I remember watching you put your make-up on so carefully and do your hair, just to go grocery shopping two blocks away. Guess what, lola, I do that too! ;p You always told me I had to look my best every time I left the house. I try. I mean, I honestly can't be bothered to dress up like you did, but I at least do my face. Oh by the way, I don't wear jeans either. You'll be happy to know I prefer skirts and dresses, although I don't know what you'd say about my preferred length. I took some of your accessories when you passed away, and I still wear them to this day :)

More importantly, three years after you left us, I had a daughter- but I'm sure you guys had met somewhere in the universe before she came into our lives. Heck, why do I even get the feeling you made sure she found her way to me? I named her after you Lola, her name is Ananda and her second name is Aleisha. She's growing up so fast and she's so pretty. Well, she has your genes so I'm definitely not surprised. You know, there was one night maybe 3 or 4 years ago when I was tucking her in bed and she all of a sudden said "I miss Lola Alice" and she started crying. She was about 4 or 5 years old and I tried to not act surprised at what she said since you had never met, but I think that was the day I realized you probably knew each other already. I gave her a hug and told her I missed you too. I'll never forget that night.

A few days before you died, you told me that my then boyfriend, who I had broken up with was such a nice guy and I should consider getting back with him and getting married. LOLA! I was 22 years old! Sorry to say this, but I never got back with him, although looking back, he really was nice! Unfortunately, I had to go through a bunch of not nice guys after him, but you know what, with each one, I loved with everything I had. I learned that from you too. I saw how unconditional your love was for each and everyone one of us, how you tried to see the good in everyone, even those most of us would write off as trouble. I guess I got that from you also, although I have learned to leave trouble alone when I see it nowadays ;p You'd like the guy I'm with now. He's definitely one of the good ones. Now, please help me stay good too, and more importantly, stay where I am. I'm always running off somewhere and this is a relationship I'd actually like to keep. Hold my hand through this one, please.

Oh, you will be happy to hear that I cook now, and I'm pretty good at it too! If you were still alive, I would no longer be stealing peach walnut pies from your freezer and food from your fridge and pantry. In fact, maybe I'd be coming over with food for you to try instead. You would have had so much fun with me if you could have just been around a few years longer. I first started cooking out of necessity when I moved out a year after you died, but by the time we moved to Sydney, I became more passionate about putting flavors together and really spending time in the kitchen.

Oh my God, Lola (I mean gosh- you would be getting mad at me now for using the Lord's name in vain, sorry) the day to day is a lot easier than when you first left, and there are days I don't even think about you (that sounds bad but you know what I mean) I used to dream about you a lot, now I can't even remember when the last time was. I think of you with a smile on my face, and we all sometimes have discussions about you during Sunday lunch, or even within smaller groups of your large family.

I've written you a letter every year since you passed away, and every year, I still cry when I do so. I don't think you ever really completely get over someone important to you passing away, and although you move forward, there is always a piece of your heart that is permanently stuck in that time.

If you could see me now, Lola. If you could see all of us. I'd like to think you are smiling from heaven right now.

I love you always,

Erica

My lolo Roman and lola Alice with all ten of their children

Me at 15 with a portrait of my lola by national artist Vittorio Edades

Life Lessons: In-Between

I watched this movie called "Take this Waltz" the other day and Margot, the character played by Michelle Williams, said early in the movie that she "hates being in-between things"

That definitely made me sit up and listen.

Being in-between things is probably my biggest nemesis when it comes to living the life of a normal person. Most people can skip through anything life throws at them- all the curve balls, crap and buckets of ice cold water, and well, I'm ok with all of that too. What I can't take are those moments when there seems to be static in the soundtrack of your existence, a.k.a. the lulls or the "in-betweens"

Ever since I was a kid, I couldn't keep still. I was so hyperactive and looking for something new to do all the time my parents had to enroll me in Gymnastics so I could expend all that excess energy without hurting myself. They would find me tumbling all over the house and yard, climbing trees or even up on the roof. I don't think I ever took naps when I was a child... there was just so much to do!

This feeling of restlessness has not left me since. Every time I try to relax or sleep in or zone out...I just can't. One of my best friends, Gina, used to get on my case when we'd go on holiday together, because even while on break, my mind wouldn't stop racing and I couldn't just spend whole afternoons staring at the sea and not thinking about everything else going on in my life. I always felt like, well, if I'm nto doing SOMETHING, ANYTHING, then what's the point of life. Ok, that's pretty dramatic but you know what I mean.

Also, in the movie, Margot's sister in-law, played by Sarah Silverman tells her in the end, 'Life has a gap in it. It just does. You don't go trying to fill it like a lunatic."

And a lunatic is what I do feel like at times. I'm not much of the "stop and smell the roses" type of person. On the contrary, I seem to speed through life with wild abandon so much that sometimes I don't even realize that I'm in a tailspin until I'm totally depressed and not understanding why. I am totally the poster child for how yoga can help you find your center, and in a way, it has helped me calm down a lot and listen to my own thoughts without being over-analytical or obsessive about it. Sometimes steady breathing is all I really need, I suppose.

My other best friend Sarah told me that my refusal to grow up is what makes me like this, because I am going against the natural progression of life for fear of living a totally unexciting "adult" life. I don't think I equate non-excitement to being an adult so much as being so comfortable with those in-betweens that they become my permanent state and I lose all lust for life. Growing old, not growing up is possibly my biggest fear. I don't want to be unexcited, jaded, lose my sense of wonder about the world. It's the kid in me that keeps me going and loving and living...but it is also that kid that keeps me running. Surely there is a way to merge both sides of me without completely losing the other, and that's exactly what I'm trying to do now- find the balance that I need to be able to remain a kid but never grow old, and yes, maybe even stop and smell the roses too. I do love me some flowers :)

I sometimes wonder when we'll ever find ourselves, then I realize we probably never will. With the natural course of life and its never ending changes, I always remind myself that by the time I catch what I was trying to chase, I might be looking in a completely different direction already. The only thing we can do is enjoy those glimpses we get of who we are at that exact moment, because before you know it, that person will be gone and you'll have a new one to get to know and love again.

Staring outside my hotel's window at Taal Lake, in my wife beater and sweats and barefaced,  I'm thinking... the in betweens, that's when life really happens right? Doing the mundane, everyday things you don't take pictures of to put on facebook, or when you are doing something not exciting enough to report on twitter. Maybe life can't be high-speed exciting all the time, but the little "kid" things I do like dance in my underwear with a glass of wine while making dinner, or taking a hundred silly photo booth pictures with my friends keeps the child in me very happy, and the adult in me more willing to be one.

It's a constant struggle, but I'll get there.

Questions: Falling in-love

I'm sure every single person reading this has fallen in-love at least once. It doesn't matter of it was reciprocated or not, because I'm not talking about relationships here. I mean that physical, chemical, emotional feeling of falling head over heels for somebody.

Physically, you feel like the most beautiful person in the world when you are falling in-love, especially if the person involved is falling for you too.  The way your beloved stares at you like nobody else in the world exists sure can make a girl feel like she's the hottest woman alive. Chemically, you lose your appetite, seem to never need sleep because you'd rather be awake until 5 am with the object of your affection, and get butterflies in your stomach at the mere thought of him. Falling in-love can make you feel really silly and bring out this madness in you that you were always too shy to acknowledge. Emotionally, you are invincible and larger than life. You can do anything. Why? Because he loves you and you love him and seriously, that's all you need right? You feel like you could run a country, singlehandedly stop a war and handle life like it's nobody's business when you're in love.

I know you are all nodding and I'm not going to burst your bubble and talk about what Science says about love being merely a chemical reaction. Today is feel good day. And I want to stick to the down and dirty human-ness of it.

It's so hard to try to figure out what draws you to certain people. Physical Attraction might be on top of the list for initial attraction but that's really a matter of taste. If you think of the people you have fallen in-love with, you might find a similar trait in all of them that you are attracted to because you see yourself having it, or because you don't and it's a trait you would like to have- for whatever reason, there has to be SOMETHING. Sometimes, you need to real stop and think of what it is, sometimes you realize it in retrospect when the person is gone.

For me, I realized that I am usually attracted to guys that  stand out from the crowd, but at the same time don't like to draw too much attention to themselves. When people used to ask me what made me like a guy, I would always say "His aura" a.k.a "There's just something about his all-around him-ness that makes me want to know him better." He's never the loud guy, never the "hey, look at me, i'm a superstar" guy. I've always liked the ones who stand out among everyone else, because he's chill, confident but not cocky and just exudes a quiet but can handle his biz kinda vibe. Half the time, he may even be oblivious to how attractive he is. Being creative myself, most of the guys I'm attracted to are creative in their own way as well, whether because he's an artist, musician, dancer, designer, whatever. There's always an element of respect and admiration that goes beyond the physical on my end.

I've never been jaded despite being temporarily disillusioned by love after relationships didn't work out in the past. I've always felt like my capability for love is infinite. I remember Carrie Bradshaw's question in one epsiode of Sex and the City--“When people fall in love, and then they break up, where does the love go?” 

I personally believe it doesn't go anywhere. It stays in the deepest, most hidden parts of your soul because it was something that was real. The name and the face may be forgotten but the memory of the feeling remains. I also don't believe love is merely "transferred" to the next person. Each time you fall in-love is unique and it doesn't matter if it lasted a month or a lifetime. Each time I have fallen in-love has been like the first time, and has healed me from a past relationship, because it gave me hope that it's never the end of the world when a past love falls apart.

I could go on and on, but this topic is so complicated and I have indeed bit off more than I can comfortably chew. There are still so many questions and avenues to be explored. Before I start getting incoherent, let me leave you with lyrics my dad wrote in the 70's:

Love is for silly silly things 
That you never think of doing 
And all in a sudden little 
Things have bigger meanings 
It's getting up at night 
And climbing up a tree so high 
And then you try and touch 
The sky and you ask 
Why, why, why, why... 

Love is for answering this crazy crazy questions 
Love is for getting to the answers 
Through emotions
'Cause love is a wonder and it's a thrill 
When you're under 
It's spell your hearts beating thunder 
Because she's there  

-Love is for Singing, Apo Hiking Society

Life Lessons: Feeding your inner-child

Let me tell you a secret.

Most of the time, I don't like being a grown up.

I dislike many things about being an adult, like the fact that you make all this money, just to give away half of it to rent, paying bills, your child's needs and taxes. I felt so much richer as a kid being given P500 a week by my parents because it was all mine and everything I did with it was for me and I had no responsibilities towards anyone, no electricity bills to pay and didn't have to budget for gas and laundry and all of that boring stuff.

Sometimes, I hate having to be responsible all the time. Ok, I'm not, but my "irresponsible-ness" is no longer on the levels of my teenage self. "Obviously", you might say, but hey, I know people older than me who still live like they are 16 years old. I miss being able to do anything and not think about what consequences I might have to face after. Or heck, knowing there are consequences, but not giving a fuck and doing it anyway.

I am thankful for all my jobs but sometimes, I hate working. I want to go back to school and travel and travel and travel until my body can physically no longer bring itself to get on another train, plane, bus, boat or car. I want money to fall from the sky so I can do all of this.

There are days when I want to stay in bed and not do anything for the next week or so except eat Cheetos and watch bad television shows. As an adult, I know I can no longer do this but I do spend entire mornings dreaming about being able to.

I'm sure a lot of you can relate to this and I'm not the only one who sneers at grown up life from time to time. (At least I hope I'm not the only one!) so what I do is, I try to, in my own way, counter all these things I dislike about being an adult and sneakily feed my inner child.

I hate paying bills and losing half my money to responsible paying. So, what I do is I will get tattoos. Ink can be expensive and some can't believe the amount one pays to get tatted up, so for me, this is the ultimate defiance to adulthood and something that my parents said I would regret all the time (16 years later I still haven't) It's an expensive purchase that is all for ME and makes me happy.

When my jobs require me to travel, I always make it a point to stay longer and be able to have fun. I am irresponsible when I am out of the country because I am alone and don't need to go home to anyone or anything. So if I want to drink until 5 am, I will do it...when I'm not in Manila. I stuff myself with more food than my body needs...because I can. My boundaries are pretty set at this point in my life as to what I will do and not allow myself to do (no drugs, casual sex and all of that stuff...) but within those boundaries, I am a free woman and I will take advantage of this freedom.

Once a week, on a WEEKDAY, I will allow myself to do nothing responsible. Even if I have articles due, or meetings I should set, I will spend time watching whatever reality show or cooking show is on for most of the morning, blog, cook, drink rum coke at 3 pm and dance around the house in my pajamas in the middle of the day. Sounds stupid, yes, but I need this to keep my sanity. I make up for the work I didn't do anyway. As a freelancer, I actually don't have a schedule, but that also means I could be furiously typing up an article or finishing a project at 2 am on a Saturday. I think it's fair.

I gave up fast food this year....but on drunken nights....I eat a double cheeseburger.

I hate being an adult sometimes, but I guess for the most part, it's not so bad. At least at this age, I have the money to pay to act like a kid when I need to and still get all the benefits of being a grown up like independence and real relationships and friendships. I can safely say I love myself for who I am and not  what I think I should be, and I really could not care less about what other people think. That's more than I can say for my child self.

Maybe being an adult is not so bad after all. Now let me go eat breakfast. My ice cream is melting. ;p